Mommy Dearest!

I'm so insensitive

2009-07-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

Piper is a bit dramatic. Just a little bit. Kind of. So, you can imagine when we got home from our second vacation, I wasn't too happy when Dee told me that after heading to her Dad's house, she was sick. Then she went to the hospital. Groovy. She was having abdominal pains and they believed it was her appendix. THEN she told Dee she wanted us at the hospital. Now, now.....I do have a heart. But, it was a fatal mistake to say that everyone was over-reacting. I think I almost got kicked out of the house. I just didn't want to think she was dying over a few belly cramps.
Now, it isn't very often that I'm wrong. And this was no exception. We drove to the hospital, and by the time we got there......she was fine. Yup, no problem. I think she passed gas and got over it.
I know that if something would have been wrong, I would have felt awful. Seriously. But, I deeply resenting rushing to the hospital late at night when she was with her father and we had no idea what was up. Still, I am insensitive. And an ass.

I love you, Dee. Sorry I suck so bad.

What??? Molly???

2009-07-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

Now, Molly is usually such a good girl. She really is. Not perfect, come on now. But, a good girl. That's why we were so surprised when she stuffed the front of her swimsuit with water balloons. The best part was her prancing around and telling us: "look, I finally have boobs!" Yeah, like she is 18 an flat chested or something. She's 6. I'm glad she feels like it is "finally" happening for her!
Dee maintained herself really well. I was proud. I thought for sure she would have popped those babies and told her "DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!". Not to say that Dee babies Molly or Regan at all. Nah. Nothing like that. Let's just say that MAYBE she is a LITTLE over-protective. Maybe.

Kayaks and assault with a deadly weapon

2009-07-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

Whew....it's been a while. Sorry, Dee and I made probably one of the biggest mistakes of our lives and took the kids on 2 vacations in a row. Yeah, 2 vacations in 2 weeks. Can you believe it?
Weekend 1 we went to Fish Lake with my family for a little family reunion. For a change, Regan actually behaved. Well, I don't know if I can say that she behaved....but, she didn't hurt anyone or herself! Well, she did take down the camp-trailer's canopy by swinging on the poles. But, that was about it! Oh, and Dee did hit me with the trailer while she was trying to park it. But, don't worry, it was my fault. Well, that's what she keeps telling me. I guess I was "standing in her way". I didn't get hurt (just my pride)no harm no foul!
Weekend 2 we took off to Bear Lake. It was amazing! We played in the water with the kayaks I borrowed from my brother. The kids loved them, Dee did too. Now, I did overturn the kayak and sent Regan plummeting into the water. But, I caught her and all ended well.
As soon as we got home, all hell broke loose. I guess I can't blame the kids...they behaved for almost 2 whole weeks! It seemed like as soon as we pulled into the drive-way Regan and Molly began fighting. At first, we just ignored it. We let the kids just "work things out themselves". But, when Molly knocked on the door crying....I answered it. She had a small red mark under her lip. That didn't really concern me. What concerned me was that Regan did it with a screwdriver. I believe that is called "assault with a deadly weapon". Now, before you freak out, she didn't break the skin. She did get punished and yes, we took, the screwdriver away. I thought we had already kept the sharp objects from her??? It seemed the first 24 hours at home was spent punishing Regan for being so mean! Ahh, she kept it bottled up for a while. I had to remember that.

More tails of Regan

2009-07-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday was beautiful. It was a nice day, the kids were outside playing, I was enjoying a moment of laying on my bed under the ceiling fan. I heard a bit of commotion, and Regan crying. Ran outside to see her running up the the house, crying about her eye. She had hit it against the swing set. (I know, those things should be illegal!) I wish I could have been more compassionate for her pain, but was completely side tracked by the fact she had no pants on. None. Just panties and an undershirt. Outside. Playing. In the yard. No idea where her clothes went. No clue.

How young is too young to stuff your bra?

2009-07-08T08:59:00.000-07:00

Well, in this case............swim suit. If I tell you it is a size 4T swimsuit, will that bother you? Well it did me. I'm sitting there, minding my own business when Regan comes in to ask for a treat. The first thing I noticed as that she seemed to be "developing" rather quickly and at a very young age! I know kids these days hit puberty fast and all, but this is ridiculous! So, I said: "come here for a sec". She came, sat down on my lap and immediately I could see the tissue sticking out of her swimsuit. For just being 4, she did a pretty good job. I would say "B" cup at least!!!
I asked her if she had a runny nose or something, she said: "No......" So, I asked her if she knew she had tissue in her shirt. She just smiled and said: "yeah, Jennie (the neighbor girl) taught me how!

Ohhhhh, that's super great!!! How did Dee take it? Not too well. She has hid all the toilet paper and rolled up socks.

Thanks for the support

2009-07-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

Mommy Dearest has been busy with work, and her newly sprained / fractured ankle. So, I've been a bit over medicated to try to type and say much.
Dani just returned from a trip to Denver with the ex and my family. They sent her home sick as a dog. THANKS FAM!!!! Love you guys! Now, I have to take another day off of work and listen to the boss go off on another tangent. He asked allot of questions when I'm sick or off of work. It's like he needs to determine whether or not I'm truly sick or have an issue. Like with my foot; it was: "Well,which foot is it????" IE: "Can't you still drive???" yeah, stuff like that. Let me ask you this: Why in the hell do I have 4 weeks of sick / vacation time if those people don't want me to use it??? I love benefits that you truly are not inspired to use!

More to come....................

Dead potato bug

2009-06-18T20:23:00.001-07:00

A sad thing happened today. Dani found a dead potato bug while playing outside with the kids. It was smashed. Murdered. Apparently, Regan killed it. When I came home, she confessed. She killed it with a rock, she told me. I asked her why, and she told me because it told her too. Maybe I need to quit blogging. Someone could be documenting all of this.
Maybe I would be surprised if this wasn't the first potato bug murder. It really isn't the second. Snails have been also found smashed. On the plus side, my house is now pretty insect free!

P.S. I'm a little bit scared.

A night with Regan

2009-06-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

I needed a few days to recover, so I haven't written anything. Things have been....interesting.
The other night I caught Regan sniffing our underwear as I was folding clothes. Then, she was playing with a barbie that had it's head removed. She used the head and the body as 2 different people. I became a bit concerned when the head asked the headless body to "poop in it", so then she made pooping noises as the headless barbie bent over the empty neck. I was gravely concerned.
All of this she did, sitting on my bed bonding with me while I watched a bit of tv and was folding my clothes.
I took away the panties, and the barbie. Hoping she would then be bored enough to leave. Dee was no where to be found. I can never quite understand why she keeps leaving me alone with that child!
Suddenly, my head jerked back and I realized she was brushing my hair. I guess I had been zoned out for a bit, and she had left the room momentarily to grab a bunch of hair supplies. I figured, not a big deal. It's better than the panties and the barbies. So, I let her do my hair for a while.
I'm watching t.v, relieved and she sat behind me, jabbering endlessly. Then, something strange happened (not that any of the previous wasn't strange!)I felt her hand slide up the side of my back and linger......just to my right side. I said: "Ummm....Regan, what are you doing??" She said: "oh, nothing. You're fine. It's fine...everything is just fine."
Is there a support group for parents who feel like they are being victimized by their children? Maybe I should start one!

One eyed fish and french kissing

2009-06-15T22:36:00.000-07:00

So, came home today and one of the new fish was acting funny. Dani took a good look at it, and sure enough, it was in trouble. The new fish has huge googly eyes and one of them was missing!
I know how this happened. We all do. The shark fish. Yeah, he is not a real shark at all but kind of looks like one. He sucks. Yeah, he got punished BIG TIME. But, I'm not willing to say how. I'm not so sure PETA's philosophies on fish. So, I will not incriminate myself. Nor Dee. She had NOTHING TO DO WITH IT AT ALL!!!! Good news: the one eyed fish might survive! He acted funky for a minute, but now....is swimming and acting like nothing ever happened! Good for him! One day, if he lives, I will write a beautiful inspiring story about him!
After that fiasco......we only had one more thing to deal with. Who taught Regan about french kissing??? Apparently, she tried it on Dee last night when she tucked her in. She told her mom she had a special kiss for her, then slipped her the tongue! Dee asked her, "what was that?" and she said: "That's called a french kiss!" Should we be worried? Well, Regan isn't giving up the source. Still a mystery!

We have a runner! (For Sammy)

2009-06-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

Most of my stories are about Regan. Regan, better known as: "I need a young priest and an old priest". She is crazy. Big time.
You know, there were signs in the beginning that Dee and I were meant for trouble. I remember fondly the first time Dee came to see me in Colorado with her kids. We went and bought a cute pail and shovel set and let 'em go loose in the backyard. Oh, they played for hours! It was so adorable! Especially when I walked into the kitchen and realized that for hours Regan and Molly only had been refilling up the pail so they could dump it on my kitchen floor!
Then, the summer Regan was 3. Dee had just put her and Molly to bed. I went out to the car, waiting for Dee. I believe we were running to the gas station (cuz we were low on smokes)and kindly informed the older kids they had to watch the younger ones. I opened the car door, went to get in and glanced next to me. Regan was standing there, staring at me. I asked her what she was doing, but...she was gone! I looked around the car, and saw her 2 houses down, running as fast as she could. Split decision, I ran after her and pulled my cell phone out. I called Dee and said: "hurry, we have a runner!" She was super confused since she had just put her to bed and hadn't seen her sneak out.
That started a series of her randomly running that lasted for the whole summer. You would get the groceries out of the car, and she would run. You would go out to check the mail, and she would run! Just like a dog. As a matter of fact, now I know where my dog gets it!!!

I am Mommy Dearest

2009-06-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

Why am I mommy dearest? Well, I will try to be brief.
I've always loved the movie mommy dearest. It was GREAT!!! The whole wire hanger thing made me fear doing my laundry, that's for sure!
I am NOT the typical Utah mom. Nope. Not a mormon, not a stay-at-home parent, not the cookie baker........no, no, no. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my kids. All of them. But, having a child young taught me something. I learned I could not lose myself to mother-hood. Nor could I lose my sense of humor. Or, at least the sense of humor I thought I had. And.......I had to be me. And I wanted my kids to be them. I'm not a slave to mother-hood. It is part of who I am, but it isn't all I have. Eventually, kids grow up... move out and have kids of their own. So, I've lived my life my way. And here it is.
When Bob and Dani were young, I use to tease them and tell them they couldn't call me "mom" in public. I told them they had to call me, "Ma'am" or "Mommy Dearest". And at night, I would make them say: "I love you mommy dearest" before going to bed. I found this very humorous since they had NO IDEA where it came from!
Dee's youngest daughter, Regan, had a hard time figuring out what to call me. At times, she would call me "Mom" or "Mommy" and we would all wind up confused. I told her if she wanted to call me mom, she had to call me "Mommy Dearest". It only took one time. And now, it's pretty much what all the kids call me. Even my birthday cards say: "mommy dearest" on them.
I can be a tough mom, I can be a nice mom. Just depends on the day. Now, Dee.........she is the perfect mom! She does everything the right way. She bakes cookies, makes great dinners, spoils 'em rotten and is the perfect role model. I think we even each-other out a bit!
I'm honest about how much the kids irritate and annoy me. I'm honest with the things they say and do. I'm not embarrassed by their behaviors, I find it funny. I think parents who put on this show that their kids are perfect suck. Really? Yeah, I bet your kid has NEVER said a swear word, stolen anything or drew in crayon on the wall. Yeah, standing around the water-cooler talking about the 2 goals your kid made at the soccer game last week bores me to DEATH!!!!! Give me something good, people! Give me the real world!!!
That's where it's at. Ta-da!

Hanging Upside Down

2009-06-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

So, we bought an inversion table today! You know, one of those things that hangs you upside down??? Yeah, we figure it will be GREAT for our backs. So, bought it........brought it home and set it right up. And guess what? It works! And guess what else? I think it will eventually make a great time out spot for the kids!
Dee's brother and girl friend came over to celebrate the new arrival. I'm not sure they appreciated it as much as we do, but they both tried it out. Sorry about the neck pain! Oh, and sorry we didn't warn you upfront about the effect gravity has on your clothes! Too bad I didn't have a camera ready for that!

I'm not a home wrecker. I just play one on TV

2009-06-14T09:21:00.000-07:00

So, today my step-mom and niece ran into Dee's ex-husband, Chester at the store. Chester was with his older daughter, and of course........Regan and Molly. Now, Chester met my step-mom one time before. And it wasn't a pleasant experience. Probably because he blames me for his divorce. (and because my step-mom took Dee over there to get some of her belongings he was holding hostage. Don't think he appreciated it. I wasn't invited.) Yeah, right. Look, I was in ANOTHER STATE when he told Dee he wanted a divorce. I am not a home-wrecker, never been one. The halo is there.......it's just a bit tilted! Now, it doesn't matter that Dee and I talked every night till 3 in the morning, and it really doesn't matter that we've had a thing for each-other for YEARS!!! All that matters is.........he asked Dee to leave, she did.........and came right to me! I'm the winner!
Now, Chester is kind of an older creepy guy who seems to be losing his mind a bit. Apparently, he didn't remember who my step-mom was when she waltzed right up to him and the kids to say "hello!". But, when she introduced herself, his memory came back. He was not amused. Nor was he thrilled when my niece introduced herself either. (My niece rocks, by the way. She is 14, has a self-made tattoo and is full of ATTITUDE!!) So, apparently the visit was short. That's too bad. I like a good story to tell everyone at work Monday morning. This one just lacked the required drama. Dirty looks was as far as it went.
Other fun news for today? More fish. $40 in new fish. Why new fish, you ask? Well, because as a lesbian I am required to own lots of pets. Now, I read through the manual. Unfortunately, there is no clause that allows you to substitute kids for pets. I feel that this is unfortunate. It should be more than fair. But, section IV, paragraph 17 states very clearly: "Each lesbian house-hold must have a minimum of 2 pets per each muff-diver. Felines are strongly encouraged, however each pussy can be substituted with other animals as long as they come in multiples of 3. Canines are encouraged as long as you have a cage for them in the back of your car, visible above your rainbow bumper sticker. See requirements for rainbow bumper stickers in section VII paragraph 6, subsection C. No other substitutions are allowed." Look, I'm not a rule breaker.
Oh, yeah.........fish. So, we have this great aquarium and one of the older girls killed my favorite fish about a month or so ago. Now, this was only after a few of them died from what we believe was natural causes. It was NOT from Regan emptying a whole can of fish food into the tank. Nope, no way. Not a chance. Never. (See, Dee..........I don't blame everything on her!!!) And it wasn't my sweet, innocent Dani. (Dani = my daughter. 16....bi-racial, is it all coming back???) No, it was the 13 year old, Piper. Yeah, Piper decided she should be trying to "pet" the fish and force feed them if they were not eating normal. Someone told me that the oil in skin is bad for scales. Anyway, my favorite fish died. It was mauled to death. Possibly over fed and force fed to death too. Possibly. So, needed more fish. And yes, I made the lesbian quota!!

Well, all the kids will be home tomorrow. I look forward to it. This house just doesn't quite feel the same without the screaming, yelling, cursing and crying! Well, and the noise the kids make. Goodie.

2009-06-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

The Weekend Off!

2009-06-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

"Dee" (My wife) and I have the weekend off! The youngest 3 kids are with their dad's and the 16 year old is off with friends! We are free!!!
See, this is why I firmly support keeping straight marriages legal! I will not be voting against them anytime soon. If it wasn't for straight marriages, Dee would have never been married (and divorced) twice.....and......ta da... we would not have every other weekend off!!! Heterosexual marriages = heterosexual divorces = mommy dearest has lots and lots of coffee, beer and cigarette time! Settle down, I also support gay marriage. Of course I do.
I realized about 4 days ago I was ready for the weekend off, when our precious Regan (the sweet 4 year old. Looks like "Boo" from Monster's Inc. but has the temperament of cujo on crack) stripped her clothes off during a sleep over with the neighbor girl. Apparently, she was hot and needed to cool down. So glad the neighbor girl (and her parents) have a sense of humor.
Fine, it wasn't just the naked girl on parade moment. It was also Regan and her 6 year old sister, Molly, leaving the moon-sand out so the dog could eat it. The older girl's, (13 & 16) were PERFECT all week. By "perfect", I mean the typical nasty, sarcastic, rude, disobedient and sloppy young ladies we have grown so fond and accustomed to.
So, tonight's the night! Going to get chinese, maybe some iced coffee.....lay around in my pajamas and no bra on the front porch!!!! Ahhhh, let the weekend begin!

Welcome!

2009-06-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my page! Let me introduce myself, I am Mommy Dearest. I am the mommy dearest. I have been mommy dearest for about 10 years now. I've earned the name. I deserve the name. It is who I am.

After years of telling stories, it was recently brought to my attention that these stories are good.....and pretty damn entertaining. (Thank you Laura, Tyler & David)

This page is not for the faint of heart. Why is that? Well, let me tell you why........first off (obviously) I'm a lesbian. A lesbian in UTAH! I'm a lesbian with a 16 year old bi-racial daughter, 4 step-children (4-15 yrs old) from my wife......who has had 2 heterosexual marriages......a 19 yr old step son who resides with his mother in Colorado..............and families full of drama and extreme psychosis! I love it. I thrive in it. And I talk about it non-stop!

So....welcome.......and stay tuned.