A sad thing happened today. Dani found a dead potato bug while playing outside with the kids. It was smashed. Murdered. Apparently, Regan killed it. When I came home, she confessed. She killed it with a rock, she told me. I asked her why, and she told me because it told her too. Maybe I need to quit blogging. Someone could be documenting all of this.
Maybe I would be surprised if this wasn't the first potato bug murder. It really isn't the second. Snails have been also found smashed. On the plus side, my house is now pretty insect free!
P.S. I'm a little bit scared.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A night with Regan
I needed a few days to recover, so I haven't written anything. Things have been....interesting.
The other night I caught Regan sniffing our underwear as I was folding clothes. Then, she was playing with a barbie that had it's head removed. She used the head and the body as 2 different people. I became a bit concerned when the head asked the headless body to "poop in it", so then she made pooping noises as the headless barbie bent over the empty neck. I was gravely concerned.
All of this she did, sitting on my bed bonding with me while I watched a bit of tv and was folding my clothes.
I took away the panties, and the barbie. Hoping she would then be bored enough to leave. Dee was no where to be found. I can never quite understand why she keeps leaving me alone with that child!
Suddenly, my head jerked back and I realized she was brushing my hair. I guess I had been zoned out for a bit, and she had left the room momentarily to grab a bunch of hair supplies. I figured, not a big deal. It's better than the panties and the barbies. So, I let her do my hair for a while.
I'm watching t.v, relieved and she sat behind me, jabbering endlessly. Then, something strange happened (not that any of the previous wasn't strange!)I felt her hand slide up the side of my back and linger......just to my right side. I said: "Ummm....Regan, what are you doing??" She said: "oh, nothing. You're fine. It's fine...everything is just fine."
Is there a support group for parents who feel like they are being victimized by their children? Maybe I should start one!
The other night I caught Regan sniffing our underwear as I was folding clothes. Then, she was playing with a barbie that had it's head removed. She used the head and the body as 2 different people. I became a bit concerned when the head asked the headless body to "poop in it", so then she made pooping noises as the headless barbie bent over the empty neck. I was gravely concerned.
All of this she did, sitting on my bed bonding with me while I watched a bit of tv and was folding my clothes.
I took away the panties, and the barbie. Hoping she would then be bored enough to leave. Dee was no where to be found. I can never quite understand why she keeps leaving me alone with that child!
Suddenly, my head jerked back and I realized she was brushing my hair. I guess I had been zoned out for a bit, and she had left the room momentarily to grab a bunch of hair supplies. I figured, not a big deal. It's better than the panties and the barbies. So, I let her do my hair for a while.
I'm watching t.v, relieved and she sat behind me, jabbering endlessly. Then, something strange happened (not that any of the previous wasn't strange!)I felt her hand slide up the side of my back and linger......just to my right side. I said: "Ummm....Regan, what are you doing??" She said: "oh, nothing. You're fine. It's fine...everything is just fine."
Is there a support group for parents who feel like they are being victimized by their children? Maybe I should start one!
Monday, June 15, 2009
One eyed fish and french kissing
So, came home today and one of the new fish was acting funny. Dani took a good look at it, and sure enough, it was in trouble. The new fish has huge googly eyes and one of them was missing!
I know how this happened. We all do. The shark fish. Yeah, he is not a real shark at all but kind of looks like one. He sucks. Yeah, he got punished BIG TIME. But, I'm not willing to say how. I'm not so sure PETA's philosophies on fish. So, I will not incriminate myself. Nor Dee. She had NOTHING TO DO WITH IT AT ALL!!!! Good news: the one eyed fish might survive! He acted funky for a minute, but now....is swimming and acting like nothing ever happened! Good for him! One day, if he lives, I will write a beautiful inspiring story about him!
After that fiasco......we only had one more thing to deal with. Who taught Regan about french kissing??? Apparently, she tried it on Dee last night when she tucked her in. She told her mom she had a special kiss for her, then slipped her the tongue! Dee asked her, "what was that?" and she said: "That's called a french kiss!" Should we be worried? Well, Regan isn't giving up the source. Still a mystery!
I know how this happened. We all do. The shark fish. Yeah, he is not a real shark at all but kind of looks like one. He sucks. Yeah, he got punished BIG TIME. But, I'm not willing to say how. I'm not so sure PETA's philosophies on fish. So, I will not incriminate myself. Nor Dee. She had NOTHING TO DO WITH IT AT ALL!!!! Good news: the one eyed fish might survive! He acted funky for a minute, but now....is swimming and acting like nothing ever happened! Good for him! One day, if he lives, I will write a beautiful inspiring story about him!
After that fiasco......we only had one more thing to deal with. Who taught Regan about french kissing??? Apparently, she tried it on Dee last night when she tucked her in. She told her mom she had a special kiss for her, then slipped her the tongue! Dee asked her, "what was that?" and she said: "That's called a french kiss!" Should we be worried? Well, Regan isn't giving up the source. Still a mystery!
We have a runner! (For Sammy)
Most of my stories are about Regan. Regan, better known as: "I need a young priest and an old priest". She is crazy. Big time.
You know, there were signs in the beginning that Dee and I were meant for trouble. I remember fondly the first time Dee came to see me in Colorado with her kids. We went and bought a cute pail and shovel set and let 'em go loose in the backyard. Oh, they played for hours! It was so adorable! Especially when I walked into the kitchen and realized that for hours Regan and Molly only had been refilling up the pail so they could dump it on my kitchen floor!
Then, the summer Regan was 3. Dee had just put her and Molly to bed. I went out to the car, waiting for Dee. I believe we were running to the gas station (cuz we were low on smokes)and kindly informed the older kids they had to watch the younger ones. I opened the car door, went to get in and glanced next to me. Regan was standing there, staring at me. I asked her what she was doing, but...she was gone! I looked around the car, and saw her 2 houses down, running as fast as she could. Split decision, I ran after her and pulled my cell phone out. I called Dee and said: "hurry, we have a runner!" She was super confused since she had just put her to bed and hadn't seen her sneak out.
That started a series of her randomly running that lasted for the whole summer. You would get the groceries out of the car, and she would run. You would go out to check the mail, and she would run! Just like a dog. As a matter of fact, now I know where my dog gets it!!!
You know, there were signs in the beginning that Dee and I were meant for trouble. I remember fondly the first time Dee came to see me in Colorado with her kids. We went and bought a cute pail and shovel set and let 'em go loose in the backyard. Oh, they played for hours! It was so adorable! Especially when I walked into the kitchen and realized that for hours Regan and Molly only had been refilling up the pail so they could dump it on my kitchen floor!
Then, the summer Regan was 3. Dee had just put her and Molly to bed. I went out to the car, waiting for Dee. I believe we were running to the gas station (cuz we were low on smokes)and kindly informed the older kids they had to watch the younger ones. I opened the car door, went to get in and glanced next to me. Regan was standing there, staring at me. I asked her what she was doing, but...she was gone! I looked around the car, and saw her 2 houses down, running as fast as she could. Split decision, I ran after her and pulled my cell phone out. I called Dee and said: "hurry, we have a runner!" She was super confused since she had just put her to bed and hadn't seen her sneak out.
That started a series of her randomly running that lasted for the whole summer. You would get the groceries out of the car, and she would run. You would go out to check the mail, and she would run! Just like a dog. As a matter of fact, now I know where my dog gets it!!!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
I am Mommy Dearest
Why am I mommy dearest? Well, I will try to be brief.
I've always loved the movie mommy dearest. It was GREAT!!! The whole wire hanger thing made me fear doing my laundry, that's for sure!
I am NOT the typical Utah mom. Nope. Not a mormon, not a stay-at-home parent, not the cookie baker........no, no, no. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my kids. All of them. But, having a child young taught me something. I learned I could not lose myself to mother-hood. Nor could I lose my sense of humor. Or, at least the sense of humor I thought I had. And.......I had to be me. And I wanted my kids to be them. I'm not a slave to mother-hood. It is part of who I am, but it isn't all I have. Eventually, kids grow up... move out and have kids of their own. So, I've lived my life my way. And here it is.
When Bob and Dani were young, I use to tease them and tell them they couldn't call me "mom" in public. I told them they had to call me, "Ma'am" or "Mommy Dearest". And at night, I would make them say: "I love you mommy dearest" before going to bed. I found this very humorous since they had NO IDEA where it came from!
Dee's youngest daughter, Regan, had a hard time figuring out what to call me. At times, she would call me "Mom" or "Mommy" and we would all wind up confused. I told her if she wanted to call me mom, she had to call me "Mommy Dearest". It only took one time. And now, it's pretty much what all the kids call me. Even my birthday cards say: "mommy dearest" on them.
I can be a tough mom, I can be a nice mom. Just depends on the day. Now, Dee.........she is the perfect mom! She does everything the right way. She bakes cookies, makes great dinners, spoils 'em rotten and is the perfect role model. I think we even each-other out a bit!
I'm honest about how much the kids irritate and annoy me. I'm honest with the things they say and do. I'm not embarrassed by their behaviors, I find it funny. I think parents who put on this show that their kids are perfect suck. Really? Yeah, I bet your kid has NEVER said a swear word, stolen anything or drew in crayon on the wall. Yeah, standing around the water-cooler talking about the 2 goals your kid made at the soccer game last week bores me to DEATH!!!!! Give me something good, people! Give me the real world!!!
That's where it's at. Ta-da!
I've always loved the movie mommy dearest. It was GREAT!!! The whole wire hanger thing made me fear doing my laundry, that's for sure!
I am NOT the typical Utah mom. Nope. Not a mormon, not a stay-at-home parent, not the cookie baker........no, no, no. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my kids. All of them. But, having a child young taught me something. I learned I could not lose myself to mother-hood. Nor could I lose my sense of humor. Or, at least the sense of humor I thought I had. And.......I had to be me. And I wanted my kids to be them. I'm not a slave to mother-hood. It is part of who I am, but it isn't all I have. Eventually, kids grow up... move out and have kids of their own. So, I've lived my life my way. And here it is.
When Bob and Dani were young, I use to tease them and tell them they couldn't call me "mom" in public. I told them they had to call me, "Ma'am" or "Mommy Dearest". And at night, I would make them say: "I love you mommy dearest" before going to bed. I found this very humorous since they had NO IDEA where it came from!
Dee's youngest daughter, Regan, had a hard time figuring out what to call me. At times, she would call me "Mom" or "Mommy" and we would all wind up confused. I told her if she wanted to call me mom, she had to call me "Mommy Dearest". It only took one time. And now, it's pretty much what all the kids call me. Even my birthday cards say: "mommy dearest" on them.
I can be a tough mom, I can be a nice mom. Just depends on the day. Now, Dee.........she is the perfect mom! She does everything the right way. She bakes cookies, makes great dinners, spoils 'em rotten and is the perfect role model. I think we even each-other out a bit!
I'm honest about how much the kids irritate and annoy me. I'm honest with the things they say and do. I'm not embarrassed by their behaviors, I find it funny. I think parents who put on this show that their kids are perfect suck. Really? Yeah, I bet your kid has NEVER said a swear word, stolen anything or drew in crayon on the wall. Yeah, standing around the water-cooler talking about the 2 goals your kid made at the soccer game last week bores me to DEATH!!!!! Give me something good, people! Give me the real world!!!
That's where it's at. Ta-da!
Hanging Upside Down
So, we bought an inversion table today! You know, one of those things that hangs you upside down??? Yeah, we figure it will be GREAT for our backs. So, bought it........brought it home and set it right up. And guess what? It works! And guess what else? I think it will eventually make a great time out spot for the kids!
Dee's brother and girl friend came over to celebrate the new arrival. I'm not sure they appreciated it as much as we do, but they both tried it out. Sorry about the neck pain! Oh, and sorry we didn't warn you upfront about the effect gravity has on your clothes! Too bad I didn't have a camera ready for that!
Dee's brother and girl friend came over to celebrate the new arrival. I'm not sure they appreciated it as much as we do, but they both tried it out. Sorry about the neck pain! Oh, and sorry we didn't warn you upfront about the effect gravity has on your clothes! Too bad I didn't have a camera ready for that!
I'm not a home wrecker. I just play one on TV
So, today my step-mom and niece ran into Dee's ex-husband, Chester at the store. Chester was with his older daughter, and of course........Regan and Molly. Now, Chester met my step-mom one time before. And it wasn't a pleasant experience. Probably because he blames me for his divorce. (and because my step-mom took Dee over there to get some of her belongings he was holding hostage. Don't think he appreciated it. I wasn't invited.) Yeah, right. Look, I was in ANOTHER STATE when he told Dee he wanted a divorce. I am not a home-wrecker, never been one. The halo is there.......it's just a bit tilted! Now, it doesn't matter that Dee and I talked every night till 3 in the morning, and it really doesn't matter that we've had a thing for each-other for YEARS!!! All that matters is.........he asked Dee to leave, she did.........and came right to me! I'm the winner!
Now, Chester is kind of an older creepy guy who seems to be losing his mind a bit. Apparently, he didn't remember who my step-mom was when she waltzed right up to him and the kids to say "hello!". But, when she introduced herself, his memory came back. He was not amused. Nor was he thrilled when my niece introduced herself either. (My niece rocks, by the way. She is 14, has a self-made tattoo and is full of ATTITUDE!!) So, apparently the visit was short. That's too bad. I like a good story to tell everyone at work Monday morning. This one just lacked the required drama. Dirty looks was as far as it went.
Other fun news for today? More fish. $40 in new fish. Why new fish, you ask? Well, because as a lesbian I am required to own lots of pets. Now, I read through the manual. Unfortunately, there is no clause that allows you to substitute kids for pets. I feel that this is unfortunate. It should be more than fair. But, section IV, paragraph 17 states very clearly: "Each lesbian house-hold must have a minimum of 2 pets per each muff-diver. Felines are strongly encouraged, however each pussy can be substituted with other animals as long as they come in multiples of 3. Canines are encouraged as long as you have a cage for them in the back of your car, visible above your rainbow bumper sticker. See requirements for rainbow bumper stickers in section VII paragraph 6, subsection C. No other substitutions are allowed." Look, I'm not a rule breaker.
Oh, yeah.........fish. So, we have this great aquarium and one of the older girls killed my favorite fish about a month or so ago. Now, this was only after a few of them died from what we believe was natural causes. It was NOT from Regan emptying a whole can of fish food into the tank. Nope, no way. Not a chance. Never. (See, Dee..........I don't blame everything on her!!!) And it wasn't my sweet, innocent Dani. (Dani = my daughter. 16....bi-racial, is it all coming back???) No, it was the 13 year old, Piper. Yeah, Piper decided she should be trying to "pet" the fish and force feed them if they were not eating normal. Someone told me that the oil in skin is bad for scales. Anyway, my favorite fish died. It was mauled to death. Possibly over fed and force fed to death too. Possibly. So, needed more fish. And yes, I made the lesbian quota!!
Well, all the kids will be home tomorrow. I look forward to it. This house just doesn't quite feel the same without the screaming, yelling, cursing and crying! Well, and the noise the kids make. Goodie.
Now, Chester is kind of an older creepy guy who seems to be losing his mind a bit. Apparently, he didn't remember who my step-mom was when she waltzed right up to him and the kids to say "hello!". But, when she introduced herself, his memory came back. He was not amused. Nor was he thrilled when my niece introduced herself either. (My niece rocks, by the way. She is 14, has a self-made tattoo and is full of ATTITUDE!!) So, apparently the visit was short. That's too bad. I like a good story to tell everyone at work Monday morning. This one just lacked the required drama. Dirty looks was as far as it went.
Other fun news for today? More fish. $40 in new fish. Why new fish, you ask? Well, because as a lesbian I am required to own lots of pets. Now, I read through the manual. Unfortunately, there is no clause that allows you to substitute kids for pets. I feel that this is unfortunate. It should be more than fair. But, section IV, paragraph 17 states very clearly: "Each lesbian house-hold must have a minimum of 2 pets per each muff-diver. Felines are strongly encouraged, however each pussy can be substituted with other animals as long as they come in multiples of 3. Canines are encouraged as long as you have a cage for them in the back of your car, visible above your rainbow bumper sticker. See requirements for rainbow bumper stickers in section VII paragraph 6, subsection C. No other substitutions are allowed." Look, I'm not a rule breaker.
Oh, yeah.........fish. So, we have this great aquarium and one of the older girls killed my favorite fish about a month or so ago. Now, this was only after a few of them died from what we believe was natural causes. It was NOT from Regan emptying a whole can of fish food into the tank. Nope, no way. Not a chance. Never. (See, Dee..........I don't blame everything on her!!!) And it wasn't my sweet, innocent Dani. (Dani = my daughter. 16....bi-racial, is it all coming back???) No, it was the 13 year old, Piper. Yeah, Piper decided she should be trying to "pet" the fish and force feed them if they were not eating normal. Someone told me that the oil in skin is bad for scales. Anyway, my favorite fish died. It was mauled to death. Possibly over fed and force fed to death too. Possibly. So, needed more fish. And yes, I made the lesbian quota!!
Well, all the kids will be home tomorrow. I look forward to it. This house just doesn't quite feel the same without the screaming, yelling, cursing and crying! Well, and the noise the kids make. Goodie.
The Weekend Off!
"Dee" (My wife) and I have the weekend off! The youngest 3 kids are with their dad's and the 16 year old is off with friends! We are free!!!
See, this is why I firmly support keeping straight marriages legal! I will not be voting against them anytime soon. If it wasn't for straight marriages, Dee would have never been married (and divorced) twice.....and......ta da... we would not have every other weekend off!!! Heterosexual marriages = heterosexual divorces = mommy dearest has lots and lots of coffee, beer and cigarette time! Settle down, I also support gay marriage. Of course I do.
I realized about 4 days ago I was ready for the weekend off, when our precious Regan (the sweet 4 year old. Looks like "Boo" from Monster's Inc. but has the temperament of cujo on crack) stripped her clothes off during a sleep over with the neighbor girl. Apparently, she was hot and needed to cool down. So glad the neighbor girl (and her parents) have a sense of humor.
Fine, it wasn't just the naked girl on parade moment. It was also Regan and her 6 year old sister, Molly, leaving the moon-sand out so the dog could eat it. The older girl's, (13 & 16) were PERFECT all week. By "perfect", I mean the typical nasty, sarcastic, rude, disobedient and sloppy young ladies we have grown so fond and accustomed to.
So, tonight's the night! Going to get chinese, maybe some iced coffee.....lay around in my pajamas and no bra on the front porch!!!! Ahhhh, let the weekend begin!
See, this is why I firmly support keeping straight marriages legal! I will not be voting against them anytime soon. If it wasn't for straight marriages, Dee would have never been married (and divorced) twice.....and......ta da... we would not have every other weekend off!!! Heterosexual marriages = heterosexual divorces = mommy dearest has lots and lots of coffee, beer and cigarette time! Settle down, I also support gay marriage. Of course I do.
I realized about 4 days ago I was ready for the weekend off, when our precious Regan (the sweet 4 year old. Looks like "Boo" from Monster's Inc. but has the temperament of cujo on crack) stripped her clothes off during a sleep over with the neighbor girl. Apparently, she was hot and needed to cool down. So glad the neighbor girl (and her parents) have a sense of humor.
Fine, it wasn't just the naked girl on parade moment. It was also Regan and her 6 year old sister, Molly, leaving the moon-sand out so the dog could eat it. The older girl's, (13 & 16) were PERFECT all week. By "perfect", I mean the typical nasty, sarcastic, rude, disobedient and sloppy young ladies we have grown so fond and accustomed to.
So, tonight's the night! Going to get chinese, maybe some iced coffee.....lay around in my pajamas and no bra on the front porch!!!! Ahhhh, let the weekend begin!
Welcome!
Welcome to my page! Let me introduce myself, I am Mommy Dearest. I am the mommy dearest. I have been mommy dearest for about 10 years now. I've earned the name. I deserve the name. It is who I am.
After years of telling stories, it was recently brought to my attention that these stories are good.....and pretty damn entertaining. (Thank you Laura, Tyler & David)
This page is not for the faint of heart. Why is that? Well, let me tell you why........first off (obviously) I'm a lesbian. A lesbian in UTAH! I'm a lesbian with a 16 year old bi-racial daughter, 4 step-children (4-15 yrs old) from my wife......who has had 2 heterosexual marriages......a 19 yr old step son who resides with his mother in Colorado..............and families full of drama and extreme psychosis! I love it. I thrive in it. And I talk about it non-stop!
So....welcome.......and stay tuned.
After years of telling stories, it was recently brought to my attention that these stories are good.....and pretty damn entertaining. (Thank you Laura, Tyler & David)
This page is not for the faint of heart. Why is that? Well, let me tell you why........first off (obviously) I'm a lesbian. A lesbian in UTAH! I'm a lesbian with a 16 year old bi-racial daughter, 4 step-children (4-15 yrs old) from my wife......who has had 2 heterosexual marriages......a 19 yr old step son who resides with his mother in Colorado..............and families full of drama and extreme psychosis! I love it. I thrive in it. And I talk about it non-stop!
So....welcome.......and stay tuned.
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